Friday, May 27, 2016

How {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle

Most bloggers in the fitlife, fitspiration, and weight loss communities have posts telling you how to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle. I probably do, too. Several in fact. These posts are written in the thick of it, when reading others' advice has turned you into a matra-spewing weight loss and fitspiration guru in your own mind. But how many have a how {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle post?

Here's mine.

How {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle

1. Do not control your portions sizes. Eyeball that shit and eat whatever the fuck you want.

2. Do not pack a lunch to go to work. Starve yourself all day, while you're at your highest level of activity and stress, and then make up for those calories when you get off work, driving from drive-thru to drive-thru until you've stuffed your bad thoughts deeply enough under the surface to survive walking through your own front door and engaging with friends or family.

3. Do not engage in elevated or intensified movement or activity, a.k.a. "exercise", for 20 minutes per day. This may cause you to lose weight, maintain a healthy weight, and inadvertently reduce your risk of heart attack, type 2 diabetes and other chronic diseases, thus extending your life*.

4. Do not reduce or stop consumption of heavy, yeasty, and malty craft beers as a pastime, as this will also reduce your intake of added sugars. Also, you may want to start smoking pot, as this will help you increase your desire for highly sweetened, salty and fatty foods, which as a trifecta are your best friends in {NOT} staying on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle.

5. Most importantly, commit yourself to eating the cheapest food possible, so you can eat a lot more of it. Eat alone at a buffet restaurant at least a few times a week**. In most moderate-sized towns, you can find a steakhouse buffet, a Chinese buffet and at least one other ethnic buffet (ie. Indian, Italian, etc.). Make use of these resources to ensure your fit lifestyle will cease.

Thanks for reading this bullshit. Now go do some squats, get to bed early and wake up in time to get some physical activity in before work! (Don't forget to hydrate...and food is fuel, not your friend!)

*Be advised that extending one's lifespan is often a direct result of staying on track with a fit and healthy lifestyle.

**Eating alone all but ensures you will be able to eat much more than you would with others watching and judging you.

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