Not letting negative "scripts" undermine success

By Brian Schwarz

We all have them - random thoughts that come to mind in our worst moments. We wake up in the morning feeling like we should have worked out a bit harder or eaten better the day before. Our mind starts to generate scripts (usually from our past) to tell us how worthless we are, how we'll never amount to anything, and that we should just give up.

Tell me this doesn't ever happen to you and I'll call you a liar! The scripts may be different for you, but surely negativity comes to mind in even the most optimistic person. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is the ability to turn those negative scripts around. The answer is to not ignore the script, which may be the first instinct. Rather, I find it's best to recognize the negative script for what it is, consider its source, and turn it into something useful.

Ever since I was a teenager, I have worked hard to get rid of the negative scripts that were part of my subconscious. I won't even waste space on them here on my blog because they're gone and I have no use for them anymore. Still, new negative scripts arise from time to time in the most unexpected places. Ironically, they pop up in my mind not when things are going bad, but when things are going well.

Even in success, beware of negative scripts!

In 2010, I was in the midst of major success, having lost more than 150 pounds on my way to overcoming obesity once and for all. When I was just 20 pounds to my goal, I would look at my pictures and say to myself, "you look too thin...your head is too big for your body", or "no matter how much weight you lose you will never look as good as someone who hadn't gained weight in the first place".

Because of these new negative scripts, which came when I was at the height of my success, I remember deciding to stop losing weight when I was just 20 pounds from my goal. I went into maintenance mode, and gained about 20 more pounds so I would feel "more like myself", and I kept the rest of the weight off for five years.

After my mom died, the negative scripts turned darker. While I never thought about taking my own life, I was constantly thinking that life wasn't worth living without my mother being in it. As a result, I ate my way into oblivion. Sure, I didn't take a gun to my temple or leap from a bridge, but in my own way I was killing myself, slowly, but surely.

Now that I'm back at my conscious efforts to eat healthy and get my weight in check, I still have to deflect negative thoughts every step of the way. I get angry at myself for having done this to myself - again! I recognize that even if I do everything perfectly, I'm looking at a good 18 months to two years before I'm back down to a weight that's anywhere near my goal. It feels overwhelming. My mind tells me "You can do it!" and "Just give up!" almost in the same instant.

Loving yourself unconditionally at any size is key to keeping a positive mindset

Well, I'm not going to give in to the negative scripts. Every time I look in the mirror I tell myself that I'm worth it. That I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin. That I deserve to be healthy. That I deserve to be loved. Even if it seems silly at times, it helps me stay strong by leaving little room for the negative scripts to work their way in. And even though I know I will still be challenged from time to time with thoughts that undermine my success, I'm aware of my own strength to achieve my goals if I only take one step at a time and continue to be kind to myself in both my actions AND my thoughts.

Seeking help to slam the breaks on bad behaviors

Previous attempts to get medical help with curbing my weight gain and lose the more than 150 pounds I'd gained since my mother's passing had led me only to the discovery of an even graver issue: I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. And that complicated things. Fortunately, my vitals were not so bad that I was at a heightened risk of stroke, so I was put on simple aspirin therapy and scheduled for an ablation. The problem was, my return to morbid obesity meant the ablation was less likely to be successful. So a medical solution to my weight gain became a priority.

On May 5, 2018, I finally met with a group of doctors at University of Virginia's Heart and Vascular Center, including not just a cardiologist but also an endocrinologist and a nutritionist. My weight at that appointment? 426. Shocking, I know. The doctors were on the verge of recommending gastric bypass or some surgical solution, but I told them I was confident I could lose the weight through diet and exercise - I just needed some sort of boost to get me started. The depression was still very real, and that had to be addressed first.

Photo taken early May, just before seeking help

The medical team prescribed Wellbutrin to curb my anxious eating, and I consulted with the nutritionist on how to deal with the fact that my job requires me to dine with resort guests at a buffet breakfast and lunch five days a week at work. I won't go into the lifestyle changes that resulted just yet, but I wanted to post something quick to let my readers know the good news that I have slammed the breaks on my escalating bad behavior. As a result, since that appointment in early may I have lost about 35 pounds.

I'll be posting more here on the MyFitLife2Day blog, and I'm Tweeting again @myfitlife2day, so if you're interested follow me there. It's debilitating when you have enormous weight loss success and then gain the weight - and then some - after years of maintenance. But I'm hoping my journey will prove that you can get knocked down and get back up again...not just once or twice but every single time it happens. (Check out this blog from the beginning to learn some of the back story of my "diet", and past successes, if you're interested.)

Photo taken early June, after losing first 25 lbs.

For some folks, failure is not an option. For others, it is a devastating end of the road. But for me, it is an opportunity to learn. I've learned a lot throughout my fitlife journey, and I have a feeling the lessons are far from over!