Grief and coming to terms with the imperfect self

Coming to terms with the imperfect self is an important stage in grieving. One thing I've felt guilt about since mom died is pulling away from her physically as the cancer took hold, as she lost her hair, as she became more frail and sick.

I'll never forget when my mom got her first post-chemo wig. I almost couldn't recognize her. It was like she was wearing some kind of silly hat. But she was so happy to have hair again. She wanted me to love her new look. More importantly, she wanted me to see she was getting stronger, that she was still here, living life on her own terms!

Selfishly though, I struggled with a sort of dysphoria with her new appearance. Before, I had taken pictures of her and with her all the time. From that point on, I rarely took a selfie with her again, and any pictures I did take made me feel sadness rather than pride.

Looking back, I see things differently. Now I can focus not on the wig - not on the cancer - but on my mom's lasting beauty that shone from beneath the wig with brilliance. I can see her eyes sparkling as she touched up the wig with her fingers asking me how she looked. Yes, mom, you looked beautiful..truly beautiful...ratchet wig and all.

Anyway, I'm freeing myself today from this memory, from these feelings of shame I've been carrying for not being a better son. For not taking more pictures. For focusing on her slipping physical beauty instead of focusing on her inner beauty. For not seeing that she was still here, and being proud.

Today, I forgive myself. I'm not perfect. And that's okay. She knew that, and she loved me anyway.

Stalled weight loss progress can be so frustrating

The most frustrating part of trying to lose weight is questioning every little thing you do (and don't do), especially when you hit plateaus that never seem to end. That's where I am right now. Totally frustrated. I have tried every tip in the book, from cutting out all added sugars and the obvious reducing calories to increasing calories, having a cheat day, and exercising regularly. I'm still at 396 pounds, stuck after losing 30 pounds directly following a big lifestyle change - cutting out fast food entirely from my diet.

Today I go to the doctor, and within a week or so I'll have some stats come back from bloodwork. We'll see if there's some hidden info there. My endocrinologist wants to order some tests, too, so I'll give that a go. But I have a feeling I'm missing something. And I think what I'm missing is I'm not getting 10,000 steps a day. I'm stalling out at around 6,500. I have a gut feeling that getting my steps up to the 10,000-step recommended daily allowance will get my weight loss started again.

So that is my goal today. To get stepping. It's hard to do, especially on my day off when I try to Uber as much as I can and just chill out for the rest of the time watching random crap on Amazon Prime or YouTube. But I'm going to do it today, for sure. That's my goal and I'm sticking to it. What will tomorrow bring? I don't know. I'm doing this one step at a time.

5 Star Nutrition Body Composition Analysis - July 13, 2018

On the recommendation of a couple of online fitness vloggers, I checked out my local 5 Star Nutrition here at Stonefield Commons in Charlottesville. Justin was extremely helpful. The first thing he did was check my body composition with complete muscle-fat analysis, obesity analysis, and segmental lean analysis. Then he helped me pick out some supplements and a meal replacement to help me achieve my weight loss and muscle building goals.

Here are my stats as of today, July 13, 2018:

Basic Body Composition with Muscle-Fat and Obesity Analysis

Weight: 396 lbs

Percent Body Fat (PBF)" 48.2%

Total Body Water: 151.2 lbs

Skeletal Muscle Mass (SMM): 117.3 lbs

Dry Lean Mass: 54.2 lbs

Body Fat Mass: 191.2 lbs

Lean Body Mass 205.5

Body Mass Index (BMI) 52.3

Percent Body Fat: 48.2%

As for calorie intake, the analysis recommends that I eat 3100 calories per day in order to lose weight. My Basal Metabolic Rate (the rate at which my body burns calories while at rest) is 2383 calories. My Base calorie intake would then be 3600 calories per day. The recommendation is to have a 500-calorie deficit per day, which is how the recommended calorie intake was figured.

This being said, I'm not comfortable eating so many calories per day, as I worry it will delay weight loss. So I am going to aim for about 2500 calories per day with a 300-calorie increase on days I do a complete workout at the gym.

In order to achieve this goal, I'm also going to increase the amount of green vegetables, eat a healthy balance of complex carbohydrates, especially prior to a workout, and focus on eating more lean proteins while limiting my intake of high fat proteins.

Overall, I had a great first visit at 5 Star Nutrition at Stonefield Commons in Charlottesville. I'll post more about my progress as I get into my new routines. I will be doing a follow up analysis at 5 Star Nutrition in two weeks. Check back in with me then!