I guess I'll just have to inspire myself this time

Fifteen years ago I lost nearly 200 pounds in less than two years. It was hard, I'm not gonna lie. It took 100 percent focus and dedication. Every waking hour was filled for those two years with the realization that I alone held the key to changing my body and improving my health. I was convinced of it. I lived in the realization of it. I had a community of support, driven by my mother who bought me new clothes ever time I dropped a size, from 6XL all the way down to XL. 

Back then, I made a deal with my future self that I was going to be the man the child in me would have been had he not been forced to deal with decades of unchecked trauma. So I did it. I lost the weight. And I kept the weight of for about six years.

Then my mom died.

After that, my selfishness broke loose. I was like, FUCK YOU WORLD! I was hurting so badly on the inside that I just wanted my outside to match the ugly that I felt deep down in the core of my being. I was FUCKING PISSED! And I just ate and ate and ate and ate until I had reached the goal of destroying my body and my health so I didn't have to live so long in this world without the love that had just been ripped from my heart. 

So anyway, here I am nearly a decade later sitting in the morbidly obese shell of misery that I alone am responsible for creating. Fifteen years is a long time. I'm no longer a 30-something whipper snapper but rather a mid-50s fatty with a plethora of health issues that make every step I take 10 times harder than the steps I took the first time I hit this road a decade and a half ago.

The forecast is not all bleak, though. Fortunately, I left breadcrumbs to find my way back home to me. So this time around I have myself to inspire myself. I have a super successful journey into fitness and fabulosity to look back on. I know what works, and what doesn't. I know progress, its ups and downs and twists and turns. It's that experience that has made me the most resilient mofo I know!

I am 100 percent certain that I will be successful losing weight once again. I will do it slowly and surely, and like that turtle beating the hare, I will cross that finish line a winner.

I ain't getting any younger. It's now or never. It's go time!

By the way, I should mention that this time just like the last I am doing this without weight loss medications, without surgery, and without any money to pay trainers and coaches. Although I believe strongly that life is better when you have a coach, I cannot afford one right now so I will be my own.