Thursday, May 26, 2016

Grief may not be a choice, but bouncing back from it is!

Last year, I posted something about wanting to lose weight so I could "be healthy and capable for my parents as they grow older". The week after I wrote those words, my mother's four-year-long battle with cancer would take its terminal turn; She was diagnosed with a brain lesion, and a single radiation treatment would speed up her demise to take her from us much too suddenly; in less than two months she was gone.

Rock-hopping Strickler Knob (Even at 350 pounds, I'm still hiking!)
Her sickness led to a deep sadness I was unable to shake. In my grief, I stopped doing anything that gave me pleasure. I stopped hiking altogether, and hiking at that point was the only remaining vestige of my fitlife days, the days of clean eating, medball workouts and 6-day-a-week gym visits that led to my 165-pound weight loss only a few years prior.

My mother's death did threw me for a loop. My mantra of decisions controlling my destiny, not my conditions, went out the window. My choices were once again not only influenced but dictated by my emotions. I had completely reverted to the hopelessness I'd lived in for nearly a decade in the wake of my experience during 9/11.

I'm back to hiking - having gone on my first hike a few days after my mother passed away. It's been seven months and I've done more than 30 hikes, averaging around three per month. This summer I plan to up the days hiking, and I also plan on bringing back my medball and planking routine. The gym is not a priority now, although it's only because I haven't found a gym that suits me in the small town to which I've recently relocated.

For those of you who still subscribe to my blog even though I'm not the living inspiration I may have been to you when you first found me, during my "amazing transformation", I thank you. This is, after all, a journey. I've said that from the beginning, and so I'll say it again. Every day I wake up the decisions I make point me toward my future. And I continue to hold myself accountable.

My weight gain, which had been out of control throughout this winter, has been stabilized. Now is the time to begin to move in more intentional ways that will once again excite my metabolism and fuel my body in ways that promote that movement. I know muscle memory will kick in once I get started, but that's where I am now - setting a goal, making a decision, and acting on it.

I'll keep you posted...more to come.

No comments:

Post a Comment