When entering a dark portal of grief, cling to hope

Yesterday when I woke up, I was struck with a depression unlike any I have felt in years. It had no single culprit to blame. I was simply struck by a full on mélange of melancholy out of nowhere.

Cling to hope; there are brighter days to come

I felt older, sure. And I have been worried about my dad's health, more so lately since he had to postpone my birthday dinner to take care of himself. Plus, I have been contemplating a huge life change while at the same time addressing a plethora of my own unchecked health issues.

And of course, I am feeling now and will forever feel a constant tinge of sadness regarding the loss of my mom.

This is me at 40, hanging on to hope

In spite of all this, though, I couldn't pinpoint a single source to match the incredible sea of blah I found myself drowning in all day.

Last night, though, I got a good night's sleep, and I am happy to report that I'm back to my "normal" self, for lack of a better word. What a difference a day makes!

I guess it was a door I had to go through, to move on to whatever is coming next. They say it's always darkest before the dawn. Well, good. I made it through the portal and I'm back, once again ready to take on the world!

How missing my grandma's last Easter motivated my weight loss

Easter 2009 I was living in Albuquerque, where I had moved to be closer to my Grandma Fay, and I was too fat to fly back east to my mom's house with her for a special family portrait. Here's an outtake of the photo shoot where they made a HUGE space for me in the back row so they could Photoshop me in later. It would be her last Easter. Not one to wallow in regret, missing this moment was a HUGE motivator for me to lose weight and get healthy. I owe so much to this moment.

That HUGE hole in back was for me, but I was too fat to fly home for Easter

I'm feeling lonely tonight as I face spending Easter - my favorite holiday - alone, without my family or friends. But tomorrow I'll be hiking the Del Agua Trail for a long overdue visit with my Grandma Fay. A few years ago when my grandmother passed away, I was too fat and lazy to hike the trail as her ashes were scattered there. When she sees me there I know she'll be so proud!