Soaring through inner space

by BDS

I soar through inner space on my own time-travel odyssey
This oddity that changes me, from what once was to what will be
Defends somehow the fragile bear in me

I make my own soap and wash me clean from in-between
The dirty scars you’ve never seen - they’re mine, they’re clean
But somehow dirtier I’ve never been

I fake my own scope and hope that nothing’s broke
The flirty boy on nature’s dope scores one last soaked toke
Tripping somehow will end this hoax’s choke

I pour through outer faces on my personal quest
The plotted 'he' is not the one he thought'd be the best
Still, flipping now's beyond someone's own request

No longer in the 300 club!

Okay, so I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be - weight is just a number after all. But today's the first day the scale has read below 300 in as long as I can remember.

The official reading was 299, but it did flicker to 298 this time. A few weeks ago it flickered below 300, but snapped back quickly to 300. Then I jumped up to 305 and settled in at 301 for at least seven days.

This is why "they" always say you shouldn't weigh yourself every day. They recommend weighing in once a week. But I haven't missed my morning weigh-in since I started my new life back in January, and I'm glad I haven't.

This way I know exactly where I am so I don't lose too quickly or gain back what I've already lost. Also, I know the impact of certain foods and exercise regimes on my body. It's not just about fat loss at this point, either. It's also about building muscle.

So I'm starting the day off on a positive note. But I'm also guardedly optimistic. If I go back up tomorrow, which is very likely given the patterns I've noticed over these past seven months, I'll be okay with that. I know that at the end of the day it's the slow and steady progress that'll win this race.

Intensifying my workouts fuels my appetite as I gain muscle and cut the fat

My workouts have been getting more intense, and so has my appetite. Today for lunch I had a bowl of black bean soup, a whole wheat wrap filled with a one-egg spinach-and-sprouts omelet, a glass of milk and a handful of blueberries. I'm stuffed, and so satisfied. This afternoon I think I'll take a swim down at the ocean and maybe a nice bike ride along the broadwalk. Who would've thought that such an active lifestyle would be so relaxing?

I've been getting more rest lately. I'm not sure if I blogged about it, but there for a while I was only sleeping about 6 hours per night, 7 days a week. I'm up to about 7.5 hours a night now, thanks to the working out I think. I have tons of energy throughout the day, and Friday to Sunday I'm able to catch a little nap late in the afternoon. That helps bunches.

Well, I'm gonna head out now and enjoy the day. Just wanted to brag-blog about my amazing lunch. I may not be an amazing cook, but I can cook some amazing food from time to time (if I do say so myself!).

Today's weigh-in: 301. I've been fluctuating between 300 and 305 for a few weeks now, but I'm noticing losses in fat around my lower torso and waist as I increase muscle around my chest and arms. That's a good thing. :-)

Note to self: muscle weighs more than fat

Okay, truth be told, even Mr. Optimistic gets frustrated with this whole process from time to time. If I eat too much or the wrong combination of foods, I gain a bit. If I don't eat enough in a day, I can gain, too. It's so frustrating from day to day. But I know that if I don't let the numbers get to me that it will all average out in the long run and I'll lose the weight over time. Also, I've been really dedicated to the gym lately, and they say muscle weighs more than fat, so I know that I probably could be down to my next short-term goal of 290 more quickly if I were to focus more on diet than exercise. But I'm not going to do that. Weight loss isn't the primary objective anymore. Building muscle is. So I need to just be happy with the transformation of my body itself and not give so much weight to the scale (punny, huh?). Ugh! It's just so frustrating to sit on any plateau - and trust me, there have been many along the way - but the 300-pound plateau has got to be the most annoying. Like I've said before, it's a mental game. And that's never more evident than right now. But here I go, one day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. Because, as my boy Serrat once said, "Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar!"

Bumps along the path will not keep me down

I'm not always forthcoming with my struggles here - I guess it's normal to want to scream "success!" from the rooftops and sweep struggles under the rug. But here goes...

On Saturday morning I weighed in at 300 pounds. I was psyched. I mean, this is really happening, I thought. It's been nearly 7 months, and even as I do this diet and exercise thing on my own without the crutch of Nutrisystem (which undoubtedly taught me everything I know during the few months I was on it in the beginning), I'm surviving without returning to my old binging ways!

Well, not so fast. Saturday night came, and I was home alone, rain was pouring outside, and I hadn't gone grocery shopping. So what do I do? I call up Domino's for the first time since I started this whole thing back in January and I order the special: two medium two-topping pizzas.

I don't know what I was thinking. Justifying it I thought, it's cheaper to buy two than to buy one, so I could just eat half of one tonight, the other half tomorrow, and give the extra pie to my neighbor, or the homeless for that matter!

Yeah right. I downed both of them within 20 minutes of them being delivered to my door. I did it with no regrets - I don't give myself guilt trips anymore. I just vowed that it was a one-time indulgence and moved on.

Sunday and Monday the scale was not so friendly, but I didn't let it bother me. Back up to 306 could've been enough to drag me back into take-out hell, but instead I went shopping in the morning and bought all the wonderful foods I've come to love, and rely on...foods I learned to eat on Nutrisystem but modified so I don't have to shell out $300 bucks every month for a massive delivery. And I got right back to it.

Today, I weighed in at 300 again. Sigh. I can breathe again knowing that I'm back on the right track. This is a mental game. That's all it is. My mind has the power to defeat me if I give in to the same negative and self-destructive thoughts that led to my decade-long weight gain in the first place. I choose to remain optimistic.

And I'm so thankful for those of you who understand this and are encouraging my progress. I couldn't do this without you! *hugs*

The digits are no match for the way I feel

The digits blinked between 299.8 and 300.8 before resting at 300.2. Pounds, that is. That was this morning around, I dunno, 8 a.m.

So that’s news to me. I’ve been in the gym on a regular basis lately – not pushing, but going and working out pretty hard, if I do say so myself. But I figured I’d stay the same or even gain a few back when I went at this diet thing on my own. I’m following the basic principles, and I believe I’m eating a diverse range of healthy locally-grown things on a regular basis, so I’m happy with whatever the scale tells me.

I’m officially the weight, by the way, that those shipping-grade scales at Publix will measure. Yay! I’m not sure they’re very reliable, though, cuz I stepped on one about a week ago that told me I was 285. I was like, cool, but I knew that sh*t wasn’t real.

People sometimes tell me I should just shut up about my progress. They don’t wanna hear it. They have their reasons, and I don’t blame their reasons, however selfish they may be. We are all selfish. I’m selfish. Who am I to judge?

Well, I think the rain’s stopped outside, so I better take the pups out to enjoy this rare cool evening. July 4th is going to be special this year for them. They’ll see the fireworks down by the shore. I hope I don’t twist my ankle in the sand like I did on the 4th in Nobe half a decade ago.

Tranquility.

He Calls Me Butch Monster

A friend of mine, a gym buddy actually, has begun to call me Butch Monster.

The first time we stepped into the gym together this really hairy muscular guy was primping in the mirror nearby as I was going for a locker. The guy said to me, “You’re not going to use that one, are you?”

He had this sort of gruff look on his face, so I figured he was claiming it for himself. He was just messing with me, maybe. Or maybe he was flirting. Either way, he had caught off guard.

Despite his intimidating look, though, I sized up my surroundings. And deciding it was all good, I took the locker anyway.

Trying to cut the tension that still lingered despite his seemingly good intentions, I replied, with a smile and a chuckle, that he had come off just then as some kind of butch monster.

He laughed.

Later as my buddy and I we were doing biceps curls, and without discussing how or why we just started to use this term to refer people who had some sort of indescribable blend of perceived qualities that were hard in appearance and attitude at first but ultimately gave way to gentler qualities.

Over the subsequent weeks, we would apply the term to other characters we’d see prancing around the gym. And later, I don’t know how, this label became some new way for my friend to refer to me in the second person, as in, “Hey, Butch Monster, what time do you want to go to the gym tonight?” or “You’re sweating like a pig, Butch Monster”.

I still don’t know whether I like the term or not.

Oh well. So he calls me Butch Monster. What of it? I’m sure there’s a little butch monster in all of us, don’t you think?

NOTE: The photo attached to this blog entry is of a painting done from a personal self-portrait I'd was taken of myself when I weighed somewhere in the range of 340 to 380 pounds. When the picture was taken I had just moved to South Philly from the Gold Coast of South Florida, and apparently I was fattening up as I grudgingly returned to life in the cold Northeast. The painting's artist is not named here, not because I don't know his name but because the name I have for him may not be one that he wishes to use now, so I'm contacting him and will correct this post later. Anyway, the painting is called Celestial Blue.