Overcoming fear and willing to walk/run in truth

Alone in the Rio Grande Bosque during my first 5K
Photo: Katherine Belvin, EWB-UNM

I did it! On Saturday, March 3, I completed my first 5K race with a respectable time! Well, I think it's respectable. And if it isn't to anyone else, it sure as hell is to me!

In a field of 64 competitors, I placed 60th with a gun time of 38 minutes and 38 seconds in the Engineers Without Borders-University of New Mexico 5K River Run. I thought that was pretty cool, considering I was 38 years old when I first got serious with my fitness journey. The pace of 12 minutes and 26 seconds per mile is alright by me, too. I don't really know, though, since I don't have any prior running experience to compare it to.

Happiness is knowing you're not alone even when you are!
Photo: Katherine Belvin, EWB-UNM

Running this 5K has shifted my mindset about running. Before, I was afraid to run, even if no one was looking. I think primarily I was afraid that "true runners" would look at me and laugh, judge me for my size or the way my belly jiggled as I jogged. But even more, I was afraid my knees or ankles would just give out under me. I was afraid I'd run out of breath and collapse right there mid-trail.

But as I said in my previous post, I buy into the Green Lantern mantra that fear is the enemy of will. And if we banish fear, will prevails. So following the advice of a wise younger runner, I started off slowly and finished strong. And I was chanting "I will, I will, I will, I will, I will", as I jogged the final third of the race and crossed the finish line in style.

I've been inspired a lot lately by Green Lantern and my other Justice League heroes. But besides these fictional characters, I am also inspired by someone very real. In fact, it is the living example of someone who I respect and love deeply that made me believe that completing this fast-fleshed-out goal was possible. This person is a dedicated runner who has supported my fitness journey in ways I would need much more room than a simple blog entry to highlight.

This person taught me how to cook and prepare healthy meals in advance, so I wouldn't have to rely on prepackaged junk. He taught me to be kind to myself and others I meet along the way. Through him I am learning the importance of being true to myself, and to not fear unexpected consequences but rather deal with them as they come. And I am learning through our relationship that not even his love for me is more crucial to my success than my own love for myself. Because, as our pal Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen!" Amen!

Mostly, though, he has taught me that I should learn to look up from my feet from time to time, to notice others traveling alongside me and the path that they are on. Because if I don't, I could lose footing and end up hurting those I'm traveling with, and miss out on walking with their love.

Anyway, I'm still working on unconditionally loving myself. Part of my process is overcoming fears and learning to walk in truth at all times. This process is a long road that will take some seriously reflective time to  fully travel. And while I hope I will not find myself alone at road's end, if I do, I will still be content. Because I know that what really matters is how I traveled the road and that I got better at walking every step of the way.

Breaking out of my box to run a 5K!

In the words of the Fresh Prince, my life recently got flipped, turned upside down. I won't go into it here, but let's just say something very unexpected and unfortunate happened that threw me off my axis, and I haven't been able to focus on personal fitness for a while now. In fact, for the entire month of February, I haven't done any hiking, and I've only been to the gym a handful of times. But tomorrow all that changes. I'm doing something drastic to get my fitness psyche back in alignment with my goals - I'm challenging myself to complete a 5K race.

This is so far out of my comfort zone that it almost seems implausible. But in fact, I'm doing it. I'm going to finish all 3.1 miles of the Engineers Without Borders UNM River Run tomorrow even if I have to crawl over the finish line.

You may be thinking to yourself, "What's the big deal? It's not a marathon or anything". True enough. But consider this. Throughout my entire weight loss journey, which has seen me lose more than 150 pounds and get into the best shape of my life, I have not run more than maybe a mile or two at any given time. I've walked tons. In fact I was hiking 20 miles per week throughout the Fall 2011 and into the first month of January 2012. But I've avoided running like the plague.

First of all, I was a bit of a gym nut for the first major fitness phase of my program, and I absolutely got bored out of my mind whenever I'd step foot on a treadmill. A rat in a cage is what I felt like. I could handle an hour or so of resistance training or medball exercises, but that was because it involved frequent breaks to people watch and think. But being on a treadmill was like medicine, and not the tasty grape kind my mom would give me whenever I was faking sick. (I wasn't a sickly child, so I had to get my days off where I could!)

Anyway, tomorrow I'm starting cold turkey (if that makes sense). I know I could walk this thing easily, but I'm challenging myself to at least do intervals, a minute or so of running followed by a minute or so of walking, and so on.

I'm fully aware the rest of the crowd will likely be dressed in full running drag, but I'm going as I am. I'm wearing my old Asics cross trainers, a pair of army shorts, one of the moisture-wicking long sleeve shirts I use for hiking, and the 5K sponsors t-shirt. Yep, I'll stick out as the obese underdog in a field of true runners.

I respect the true runners for their dedication, and I had thought about trying to dress like them to fit in. But for one thing, I'm broke and could barely afford the race's entrance fee. And for another thing, it just wouldn't be right. Then I'd be a poser. And I'm really just a guy looking to compete with himself, not others, to do something different and achieve something new.

I know that even if this is the only run I ever participate in it will be a box-breaking accomplishment that will change my perspective on training and have a positive impact on me forever. Still, I'm aware that my optimism and enthusiasm may belie just a bit of anxiety and fear. But as Green Lantern says, "Fear is the enemy of will. Will is what makes you take action. Fear is what stops you and makes you weak. You must ignore your fear. When you’re afraid, you can’t act."