Not letting negative "scripts" undermine success

By Brian Schwarz

We all have them - random thoughts that come to mind in our worst moments. We wake up in the morning feeling like we should have worked out a bit harder or eaten better the day before. Our mind starts to generate scripts (usually from our past) to tell us how worthless we are, how we'll never amount to anything, and that we should just give up.

Tell me this doesn't ever happen to you and I'll call you a liar! The scripts may be different for you, but surely negativity comes to mind in even the most optimistic person. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is the ability to turn those negative scripts around. The answer is to not ignore the script, which may be the first instinct. Rather, I find it's best to recognize the negative script for what it is, consider its source, and turn it into something useful.

Ever since I was a teenager, I have worked hard to get rid of the negative scripts that were part of my subconscious. I won't even waste space on them here on my blog because they're gone and I have no use for them anymore. Still, new negative scripts arise from time to time in the most unexpected places. Ironically, they pop up in my mind not when things are going bad, but when things are going well.

Even in success, beware of negative scripts!

In 2010, I was in the midst of major success, having lost more than 150 pounds on my way to overcoming obesity once and for all. When I was just 20 pounds to my goal, I would look at my pictures and say to myself, "you look too thin...your head is too big for your body", or "no matter how much weight you lose you will never look as good as someone who hadn't gained weight in the first place".

Because of these new negative scripts, which came when I was at the height of my success, I remember deciding to stop losing weight when I was just 20 pounds from my goal. I went into maintenance mode, and gained about 20 more pounds so I would feel "more like myself", and I kept the rest of the weight off for five years.

After my mom died, the negative scripts turned darker. While I never thought about taking my own life, I was constantly thinking that life wasn't worth living without my mother being in it. As a result, I ate my way into oblivion. Sure, I didn't take a gun to my temple or leap from a bridge, but in my own way I was killing myself, slowly, but surely.

Now that I'm back at my conscious efforts to eat healthy and get my weight in check, I still have to deflect negative thoughts every step of the way. I get angry at myself for having done this to myself - again! I recognize that even if I do everything perfectly, I'm looking at a good 18 months to two years before I'm back down to a weight that's anywhere near my goal. It feels overwhelming. My mind tells me "You can do it!" and "Just give up!" almost in the same instant.

Loving yourself unconditionally at any size is key to keeping a positive mindset

Well, I'm not going to give in to the negative scripts. Every time I look in the mirror I tell myself that I'm worth it. That I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin. That I deserve to be healthy. That I deserve to be loved. Even if it seems silly at times, it helps me stay strong by leaving little room for the negative scripts to work their way in. And even though I know I will still be challenged from time to time with thoughts that undermine my success, I'm aware of my own strength to achieve my goals if I only take one step at a time and continue to be kind to myself in both my actions AND my thoughts.

Seeking help to slam the breaks on bad behaviors

Previous attempts to get medical help with curbing my weight gain and lose the more than 150 pounds I'd gained since my mother's passing had led me only to the discovery of an even graver issue: I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. And that complicated things. Fortunately, my vitals were not so bad that I was at a heightened risk of stroke, so I was put on simple aspirin therapy and scheduled for an ablation. The problem was, my return to morbid obesity meant the ablation was less likely to be successful. So a medical solution to my weight gain became a priority.

On May 5, 2018, I finally met with a group of doctors at University of Virginia's Heart and Vascular Center, including not just a cardiologist but also an endocrinologist and a nutritionist. My weight at that appointment? 426. Shocking, I know. The doctors were on the verge of recommending gastric bypass or some surgical solution, but I told them I was confident I could lose the weight through diet and exercise - I just needed some sort of boost to get me started. The depression was still very real, and that had to be addressed first.

Photo taken early May, just before seeking help

The medical team prescribed Wellbutrin to curb my anxious eating, and I consulted with the nutritionist on how to deal with the fact that my job requires me to dine with resort guests at a buffet breakfast and lunch five days a week at work. I won't go into the lifestyle changes that resulted just yet, but I wanted to post something quick to let my readers know the good news that I have slammed the breaks on my escalating bad behavior. As a result, since that appointment in early may I have lost about 35 pounds.

I'll be posting more here on the MyFitLife2Day blog, and I'm Tweeting again @myfitlife2day, so if you're interested follow me there. It's debilitating when you have enormous weight loss success and then gain the weight - and then some - after years of maintenance. But I'm hoping my journey will prove that you can get knocked down and get back up again...not just once or twice but every single time it happens. (Check out this blog from the beginning to learn some of the back story of my "diet", and past successes, if you're interested.)

Photo taken early June, after losing first 25 lbs.

For some folks, failure is not an option. For others, it is a devastating end of the road. But for me, it is an opportunity to learn. I've learned a lot throughout my fitlife journey, and I have a feeling the lessons are far from over!

Shifting behavior after long period of stagnancy and atrophy

Paralyzed by anxiety of walking is how I’ve spent much of the past several months, if not year. That being said, the 1,365-step walk I just took with the dogs is a demonstration of progress. Any walking that gets me out the door for its own ends – and not to run errands or go to work or whatever – is a feat for me these days. So kudos me.

I swear I meant to train Smidge on outdoor peeing and pooping, but she’d spent so long with the piddle pad at her first home that I got lazy after the first few times of taking her on long walks with her only to pee and poop on the piddle pad the moment we got home. I have found that speed helps get her bowels working, thought. The faster I go and the more takeaways I do – meaning, not letting her sniff endlessly at every bush and sidewalk crag – the more likely she is to excavate and urinate. 

Good fun.

Last week, I got a free trial of HBO, and of course now, a week later, I’m balls deep in at least three of their series’. Maybe I’ll just get caught up this month and then cancel on the 11^th of June. That sounds good. That’s when the busy season at work kicks off and we go back to a Sunday to Thursday schedule.

ACTION: Tomorrow morning I am aiming to walk the dogs in the loop around the building before leaving for work. This means I’ll have to begin our walk no later than 6 a.m. The only way to make this happen is to complete all laundry, food prep, and washing up before going to bed this evening.

NOTE: It's been a while since I blogged here. It's sad to report I've had some big setbacks and my way of thinking got stuck in a rut that led me to major backtracking with my healthy lifestyle. The struggle at this point is very real. If you choose to follow this blog, you may notice go back to the original title at some point - The Fitness 400 Project - because had I remembered the core trajectory of the project when started nearly a decade ago, was to overcome obesity and never again return to a 400-pound body. While I have gained significant weight, the aim of the project remains. I'm in charge of this body and its journey as long as I may live.

On-the-go gear is essential when prioritizing eating healthy

Fueling my body, not just feeding it, was key to my previous 165-pound weight loss. Half the battle to fueling rather than feeding is in the food prep, making sure my calories are good calories that keep me fueled throughout the day, even when I'm on the go.

This breakfast station facilitates morning fuel time

Last time, I learned portion control through strict adherance to Nutrisystem for a couple of months, until I had figured out the routine and researched plenty of homemade meal options to keep going on an 1,800-calorie diet for am extended period of time. Skipping Nutrisystem, this time I am heading into a healthy, portion-controled, calorie-restricted diet straight away.

To help me get back on track this time around, I have purchased some to-go salad and bento meal containers for packing lunch and snacks, to keep me fueled at work, at the gym or on the trail. I've also organized my cabinets into ready prep stations.

Tupperware is my go-to brand for this, for reasons I'll explain in a future post. But suffice to say the product mix suits the goals of my fit life today.

Time to get out of this rut and back into the gym

This blog started out as The Fitness 400 Project. I changed the name after losing a significant amount of weight and entering maintenance mode. Part of me didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I once topped the scales at more than 400 pounds. Part of me was embarassed to be reminded of the fact. But another part of me didn't want to give it a name for fear that I might return to that weight again.

That nightmare scenario is one I'm currently at severe risk of living. I went to the doctor last week after hurting once again my already chronically hurt ankle, and the number on the scale shook me. 392. Damn. How the mighty have fallen.

I felt mighty back when I was losing weight several years ago. I felt mighty not because of the numbers of the scale so much, though. I felt mighty because I was strong and sprite. I was working out, and I was hiking to great heights. I felt almost invincible entering my 40s after having really gone downhill in my late 30s.

Fortunately, I know what I need to do to get back on track. My excuses are nothing more than conditions in which I find myself, conditions that I can decide to get myself out of.

I'm doing that, little by little. And I'm making healthy steps in the foods that I eat, even if I haven't gotten back on track with my exercise.

That's where I find myself now. I have joined a gym nearby, but I haven't gone yet. Excuse. I've been making plenty of them in lieu of actually making a decision to go. But I'm going to stop all that now by setting a goal for myself that is easy enough to comply with.

Tomororrow, I will go to the gym to stretch and do six exercises. That's it. It will take all of 30 minutes, and I may do more if I'm up to it. But I'm giving myself permission to start slowly and get back into the groove at my own pace.

Further, my goal is to do at least 6 exercises for at least 30 minutes four days per week for the next two weeks. That's eight visits to the gym that I'm committing to. After that, we'll see how I feel.

How {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle

Most bloggers in the fitlife, fitspiration, and weight loss communities have posts telling you how to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle. I probably do, too. Several in fact. These posts are written in the thick of it, when reading others' advice has turned you into a matra-spewing weight loss and fitspiration guru in your own mind. But how many have a how {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle post?

Here's mine.

How {NOT} to stay on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle

1. Do not control your portions sizes. Eyeball that shit and eat whatever the fuck you want.

2. Do not pack a lunch to go to work. Starve yourself all day, while you're at your highest level of activity and stress, and then make up for those calories when you get off work, driving from drive-thru to drive-thru until you've stuffed your bad thoughts deeply enough under the surface to survive walking through your own front door and engaging with friends or family.

3. Do not engage in elevated or intensified movement or activity, a.k.a. "exercise", for 20 minutes per day. This may cause you to lose weight, maintain a healthy weight, and inadvertently reduce your risk of heart attack, type 2 diabetes and other chronic diseases, thus extending your life*.

4. Do not reduce or stop consumption of heavy, yeasty, and malty craft beers as a pastime, as this will also reduce your intake of added sugars. Also, you may want to start smoking pot, as this will help you increase your desire for highly sweetened, salty and fatty foods, which as a trifecta are your best friends in {NOT} staying on track with your fit and healthy lifestyle.

5. Most importantly, commit yourself to eating the cheapest food possible, so you can eat a lot more of it. Eat alone at a buffet restaurant at least a few times a week**. In most moderate-sized towns, you can find a steakhouse buffet, a Chinese buffet and at least one other ethnic buffet (ie. Indian, Italian, etc.). Make use of these resources to ensure your fit lifestyle will cease.

Thanks for reading this bullshit. Now go do some squats, get to bed early and wake up in time to get some physical activity in before work! (Don't forget to hydrate...and food is fuel, not your friend!)

*Be advised that extending one's lifespan is often a direct result of staying on track with a fit and healthy lifestyle.

**Eating alone all but ensures you will be able to eat much more than you would with others watching and judging you.

Grief may not be a choice, but bouncing back from it is!

Last year, I posted something about wanting to lose weight so I could "be healthy and capable for my parents as they grow older". The week after I wrote those words, my mother's four-year-long battle with cancer would take its terminal turn; She was diagnosed with a brain lesion, and a single radiation treatment would speed up her demise to take her from us much too suddenly; in less than two months she was gone.

Rock-hopping Strickler Knob (Even at 350 pounds, I'm still hiking!)

Her sickness led to a deep sadness I was unable to shake. In my grief, I stopped doing anything that gave me pleasure. I stopped hiking altogether, and hiking at that point was the only remaining vestige of my fitlife days, the days of clean eating, medball workouts and 6-day-a-week gym visits that led to my 165-pound weight loss only a few years prior.

My mother's death did threw me for a loop. My mantra of decisions controlling my destiny, not my conditions, went out the window. My choices were once again not only influenced but dictated by my emotions. I had completely reverted to the hopelessness I'd lived in for nearly a decade in the wake of my experience during 9/11.

I'm back to hiking - having gone on my first hike a few days after my mother passed away. It's been seven months and I've done more than 30 hikes, averaging around three per month. This summer I plan to up the days hiking, and I also plan on bringing back my medball and planking routine. The gym is not a priority now, although it's only because I haven't found a gym that suits me in the small town to which I've recently relocated.

For those of you who still subscribe to my blog even though I'm not the living inspiration I may have been to you when you first found me, during my "amazing transformation", I thank you. This is, after all, a journey. I've said that from the beginning, and so I'll say it again. Every day I wake up the decisions I make point me toward my future. And I continue to hold myself accountable.

My weight gain, which had been out of control throughout this winter, has been stabilized. Now is the time to begin to move in more intentional ways that will once again excite my metabolism and fuel my body in ways that promote that movement. I know muscle memory will kick in once I get started, but that's where I am now - setting a goal, making a decision, and acting on it.

I'll keep you posted...more to come.