The Weight I Lost, The Love I Carry: Finding My Mom in My Journey Again

Sometimes we begin a journey thinking it is only about the destination. We set a goal, make a plan, and focus on the changes we want to see. But along the way, we often discover that the journey is connected to so much more than we ever expected.

Recently, I lost 20 pounds, and one day I noticed something small but meaningful. My cheeks were getting smaller. It was a sign that my hard work was starting to show. Instead of only feeling proud of my progress, I felt a wave of emotion because I immediately thought of my mom.

My mom passed away in 2015, and learning to live without her has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Grief does not simply disappear with time. It changes, it settles into different parts of your life, and sometimes it surprises you when you least expect it.

Today, standing in the bathroom mirror, I smiled and said, “I miss you, Mom.” I found myself talking to her in my mind. At first, I thought it was a little strange, but it also felt comforting. It felt like I was reconnecting with someone who had always been such an important part of my life.

Then I understood why that moment affected me so deeply.

My mom was there for one of the biggest transformations of my life.

When I was 40 years old, I lost 200 pounds. It was a life-changing accomplishment, and my mom was there through every step of that journey. She celebrated my victories, encouraged me during the difficult moments, and noticed the changes that others might have missed.

One of the things I remember most is how she would buy me new clothes whenever I dropped another size. Anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight knows how quickly clothing can become expensive when your body is constantly changing. My mom helped make that process easier, but what mattered most was not the clothes.

It was the love behind them.

She saw me.

She saw my effort. She saw my determination. She saw the person I was becoming and reminded me that my progress mattered.

After she passed away, I struggled. Over time, I gained the weight back, and I carried a lot of guilt about it. I felt like I had lost something we had worked so hard on together. I wondered if I had let myself down.

But grief changes us. Losing my mom meant losing the person who always cheered the loudest for me. She was my supporter, my encourager, and the person who celebrated even the smallest victories.

When I think about her now, I know she would not want me to carry guilt. I believe she would remind me that one chapter does not define the entire story. She would tell me that the strength it took to lose 200 pounds was still inside me.

Today, I am starting again.

This time, I am not doing it because I dislike myself or because I am ashamed of where I have been. I am doing it because I love myself enough to keep trying. I deserve to feel healthy, strong, and confident.

This journey is different because I carry my mom with me in a new way. I carry her encouragement, her kindness, and the belief she had in me.

Every pound lost and every healthy choice I make is a reminder that the person she believed in is still here.

Mom, I miss you. I wish you could see this chapter. I wish you could see my progress and celebrate with me the way you always did.

But I know you would be proud.

So I will keep going.

For myself.

For my future.

And with the love and encouragement you gave me still guiding me every step of the way.

Why am I starting health coaching right now?

I've been grieving a death for nearly 10 years, and I'm finally ready to make longevity decisions for myself.

For a long time, I had pretty much given up. I'm a 9/11 survivor and I live with complex PTSD. Food became my comfort drug, and by 2008 I had ballooned to more than 460 pounds.

I had one session of CBT, but I didn't have health insurance, so I had to figure things out on my own. Before I ever picked up a book on nutrition, I read about 30 books on psychology, trauma, behavior change, and personal growth. Eventually, I lost more than 200 pounds and kept it off for more than five years.

Then my mom died.

Grief led to comfort choices. Comfort choices led to weight gain. Weight gain led to health issues. Health issues led to mental health struggles. The cycle fed itself for years.

Fortunately, I finally gained access to health care about two years ago because my deteriorating health was leaving me disabled. I was diagnosed and treated for severe sleep apnea, and that turned out to be the first key to everything. It cleared my brain almost overnight, and I could finally make decisions that weren't based on the complex traumas that had become my default setting.

Since then, I've started rebuilding.

My blood pressure is normal. My resting heart rate is where it should be. My atrial fibrillation is under control. My sleep is better. My thinking is clearer. I'm moving again.

And that's what this next chapter is about.

Health coaching isn't about trying to save my life. It's about expanding it.

I want more sunrises, more trails, more beaches, more adventures, more conversations, more laughter, and more years to enjoy all of it. I want the freedom to explore the world, to hike the places that call to me, to dance again, to travel, to fall in love with life again, and to have a body that can come along for the ride.

At 460 pounds, I was surviving.

Today, I'm living.

Health coaching is about helping me build a future that is bigger than my past.

One Decision at a Time: What The Fitness 400 Project Taught Me About Change

Years ago I started a blog called The Fitness 400 Project. The goal was simple. I never wanted to weigh more than 400 pounds again.

At the time I weighed about 460 pounds. Looking back, it's hard to believe how quickly things had gotten out of control. The funny thing is that I wasn't trying to lose 200 pounds. I wasn't thinking about becoming a hiker or transforming my life. I just knew I was headed in the wrong direction and wanted to turn things around before it got any worse.

The name itself tells you everything you need to know about where my head was at the time. I wasn't trying to become an athlete. I wasn't trying to get abs. I wasn't trying to impress anybody. I simply wanted to get under 400 pounds and stay there. That felt achievable. It felt possible. More importantly, it felt necessary.

Before I joined Nutrisystem, I had already lost about 40 pounds on my own. That was important because it proved to me that change was possible. But Nutrisystem gave me something I didn't have before. It gave me support. It gave me accountability. It gave me coaching. It also taught me things about nutrition, hunger, habits, and decision-making that I still carry with me today.

The Fitness 400 Project became my way of documenting that journey. If people were reading about my progress, I had another reason to stay engaged. I didn't want to keep explaining why I wasn't making progress. I wanted to make progress. Looking back, I realize the blog wasn't really about sharing my life with the world. It was about creating accountability for myself. I knew that if I kept writing, I would keep paying attention. And if I kept paying attention, I would keep making better decisions.

What happened next changed my life.

The weight started coming off. Not overnight, but steadily. Along the way, I learned something that frustrated me at first. When I made bad choices, the consequences didn't always show up immediately. When I made good choices, the rewards didn't always show up immediately either. Sometimes the scale would continue moving in the wrong direction even after I had started making better decisions. Over time I learned patience. I learned that today's choices don't always show up today. Eventually they do, but not always right away.

That lesson has stayed with me for years because it applies to much more than weight loss. Our lives are often the result of decisions we made weeks, months, or even years ago. The same is true of our health. We don't always see the impact of our choices immediately, but eventually those choices show up somewhere.

In my case, they showed up everywhere.

They showed up in my energy level. They showed up in the way I moved through the world. They showed up in the way my clothes fit. They showed up in my confidence. They showed up in my health.

Most importantly, they showed up in opportunities.

For years I had been focused on what I couldn't do. Then, little by little, I started noticing what I could do. Walking became easier. Everyday life became easier. I wasn't carrying as much weight, and my body was responding.

That's when hiking entered my life.

What started as a way to be more active became something much bigger. I found places like Middlesex Fells and Cat Rock in Massachusetts. I loved being in the woods. I loved the history. I loved the feeling of standing on an overlook and realizing that my body had carried me there.

Those experiences didn't happen because of one good decision. They happened because of hundreds of good decisions made over time. They happened because I trusted the process long enough to see the results.

Eventually I got all the way down to 255 pounds.

Around that time, The Fitness 400 Project evolved into MyFitLife2Day. The focus was no longer getting under 400 pounds. The focus was on maintaining a healthier life and continuing to grow.

For a while, things were going well.

Then life happened.

Looking back, I can see that some of the biggest changes in my weight were connected to major traumatic events in my life. I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not interested in pretending to be one. I can only speak from my own experience. In my case, major trauma influenced my choices, and those choices influenced my health.

Food became comfort.

Comfort influenced my choices.

Those choices became habits.

And over time, those habits became hundreds of extra pounds.

One of the biggest turning points came when my mother became ill and later passed away. During that period I slowly stopped doing some of the things that had brought me the most joy and peace. Hiking was one of them. I didn't stop all at once. I just stopped going. Then one day I realized it had been a long time since I had been on a trail.

The weight came back the same way it had left. Not overnight. One decision at a time.

Years passed.

Eventually I found myself back at 460 pounds.

That was a difficult realization because I had already done the work once. I had already learned the lessons. I had already proven that I could lose the weight. But knowing how to do something and consistently doing it are two different things.

The difference this time is that I understand myself better.

I understand the role accountability plays in my life.

I understand the role coaching plays in my life.

I understand that self-respect and health are connected.

And I understand that every decision matters, even when the results aren't immediately visible.

Today I'm moving in the right direction again. I've lost weight from my highest point. I've been diagnosed and treated for severe sleep apnea. I've learned that some of the health issues I was experiencing may have been connected in ways I didn't understand at the time. I've joined another coaching program because I still believe in accountability and support.

Recently I found myself thinking about The Fitness 400 Project and what it meant to me all those years ago.

At 460 pounds I was living the life of an 80-year-old. At 400 pounds I'm living the life of a 65-year-old. When I lose the weight, I'll be happy to just be 54.

That statement isn't really about age. It's about capability. It's about being able to move through the world the way I want to move through it. It's about hiking trails, exploring new places, fitting comfortably into seats, sleeping better, having more energy, and feeling at home in my own body.

How to eat a healthy lunch-on-the-go for less than 6 bucks

There are plethora of reasons that I love living in South Florida, not the least of which is the ubiquitous best grocery store in America, Publix, where shopping is literally a pleasure!

Today I stopped into the Publix in lake Worth Beach and was able to get a delicious lunch for less than $6. The trick to doing this is not ordering the pre-made sandwiches and salads, which are very good. But I do build your own type of lunch. 

First, I stop at the deli. I typically get a quarter pound of some boar's Head turkey or chicken breast. But sometimes I'll venture into the Publix brand if it's on sale. Today I got a quarter pound of ham, which brought me a nice amount of protein and low-fat at a cost of about $2.25.

Then I went over to the bakery. They had rolls in packs of eight. But you asked the person behind the counter to sell you one of them, and they are happy to repackage it as a single item for you. This was just $0.62!

I also got two bananas, and I zipped open a huge package of grapes and placed the amount I wanted in one of the available plastic bags. This was about two dollars for fruit.

Finally, I was able to get a special price on Fage plain, 2% Greek yogurt. 

I could have gone to a fast food restaurant and gotten a "deal" soda with some nuggets and a burger and fries for about the same amount. And right now I would feel disgusting. Not to mention, tomorrow my, forgive my frankness, bowel movement, would be greasy. 

Instead I feel satisfied and healthy, and tomorrow going to have a smooth and beautiful movement as a result.

Yay, Publix! My pursuit of a healthy weight is right on track!

This is what I ate in December to lose 30 pounds

I'm currently living in South Florida living in motels and sometimes sleeping in my car, so it makes shopping and planning meals a bit difficult. But I manage. And this is what I ate in December to lose nearly 30 pounds. All this food totals around 2,200 calories and is protein-centric, but I don't cut single food type or macro nutrient totally out of my diet. 

As mentioned in a previous post, I eat six meals per day over the course of 12 hours. While this isn't what I eat every day, it's a sample of what I typically at all last month:

1) I have a snack at 7 a.m. to break my fast. This is usually a banana and a yogurt.

2) Just before starting work I have a meal, usually a breakfast sandwich for convenience.

McDonald's breakfast sandwiches are a weakness that works for me

3) Then there's a snack at 11 a.m. This is almost a vegan protein shake. I'm not vegan, but my wellness coach friend Angela put me on to pea protein and while it's gross at first but I convince myself that they taste like health, and that works to trick my brain just fine.

4) My lunch meal at 1 p.m. is usually a hardy bean and vegetable soup with a packet of water-packed tuna or some ritz crackers and a can of sardines in oil

5) My afternoon snack is another protein shake and maybe a couple pistachios or carrots or fruit.

6) Unfortunately, my last meal of the day is almost always some kind of convenience food, capped at 400 calories. Maybe a McChicken sandwich with pickles and mustard instead of mayo or a ham and Swiss croissant at Starbucks. On the weekends when I have more time I'll go to Publix and get a quarter pound of Boar's Head turkey, fresh fruit, another carrot, and a small roll.

These seven simple habits helped me lose 30 pounds in 30 days

Moderation in everything, including moderation! That's my mantra these days. So with that in mind, I skipped the "dieting" and simply made these seven changes in December to lose nearly 30 pounds in 30 days in December.

1. Drinking my coffee black

Cream and sugar are banished! No explanation needed. It's just a smart idea, and we all know it.

2. Drinking more water

Based on my weight I should be drinking five liters of water daily. Well, that's not happening! But I'm up to drinking two 1.5 liter bottles and a cup here and there with meals. It helps flush toxins from my body. I feel the difference.

I like my water cold and my coffee black

3. Eating one plain Greek yogurt daily

It's got protein to help me maintain muscle while losing fat, probiotics for gut health, and a bit of satiating fiber, Plus, I feel better about this mid-morning snack when I skip the added sugar and hidden weird ingredients in yogurts processed with sugar-laden fruits (or "natural" fruit flavors and colors).

4. Fasting for 12 hours per night.

They call this intermittent fasting, and lots of people recommend eating all your food within an eight hour block during the day. Well, I guess that's a good idea. But I do for 12 hours at night because that's what I feel like doing. The key is not to be hard on yourself. So I take a good idea and tweak so I can have some success without suffering.

 5. Making sure I get at least 2,500 steps in

This is not a lot. "They" recommend getting 10,000 steps daily for general health. Well, I'm not there yet. And 2,500 is as good as it gets. For now I do what I can. Besides, it's a heck of a lot more than what I was doing before. Sadly, since the pandemic started and I began working and intermittently sleeping in my car, I had barely been getting 300 steps a day. Yikes, I know. But now I'm getting a mile in over the course of my day. Yay me.

6. Limiting myself to 2,200 calories per day

Lots of diets tell men to reduce their caloric intake to between 1,500 and 1,800 calories per day. Well, that's great for some people. Cutting myself down to 2,200 per day still gets me into a calorie deficit because of my size. And weight loss is as simple as that - burn more calories from your system than you put in. So there.

7. Eat six times per day.

Spreading out my calories  throughout the day keeps me satiated enough before "feedings". As I mentioned, I fast 12 hours, and I eat during the other 12 hours. Twelve divided by six is 2, so I eat every two hours between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. 

We CAN pivot, make decisions, and make choices to create big changes in our lives

I Banished 26 pounds in December, and even though my goal was 30. This weight loss journey is all about resilience. I had lost a little over 50 lb in July and August, but my failed attempt to relocate to South Florida set me back and I gained 25 of it back. So now I am back on track, under 400 lbs. And I'm moving forward with confidence.

I am not using any weight-loss medications or supplements, I'm not subscribed to special food deliveries. And I haven't had any surgical intervention - not that I'm dissing those methods. But I have been focussed in treating physical ailments like sleep apnea that were impacting my mental health and stability.

These things I share not to brag, but I think it's important to be transparent about how folks achieve their weight loss when there's a huge industry out there lying to people, backed by social media myths, that tells us we can't do it by other means. Because we can!

It's okay to utilize the tools that are out there. But just know that we each can tap the power we already have within ourselves to begin making healthy decisions. We can pivot our lives in the directions we choose, and make choices that support these decisions.

Happy New Year everybody!

I guess I'll just have to inspire myself this time

Fifteen years ago I lost nearly 200 pounds in less than two years. It was hard, I'm not gonna lie. It took 100 percent focus and dedication. Every waking hour was filled for those two years with the realization that I alone held the key to changing my body and improving my health. I was convinced of it. I lived in the realization of it. I had a community of support, driven by my mother who bought me new clothes ever time I dropped a size, from 6XL all the way down to XL. 

Back then, I made a deal with my future self that I was going to be the man the child in me would have been had he not been forced to deal with decades of unchecked trauma. So I did it. I lost the weight. And I kept the weight of for about six years.

Then my mom died.

After that, my selfishness broke loose. I was like, FUCK YOU WORLD! I was hurting so badly on the inside that I just wanted my outside to match the ugly that I felt deep down in the core of my being. I was FUCKING PISSED! And I just ate and ate and ate and ate until I had reached the goal of destroying my body and my health so I didn't have to live so long in this world without the love that had just been ripped from my heart. 

So anyway, here I am nearly a decade later sitting in the morbidly obese shell of misery that I alone am responsible for creating. Fifteen years is a long time. I'm no longer a 30-something whipper snapper but rather a mid-50s fatty with a plethora of health issues that make every step I take 10 times harder than the steps I took the first time I hit this road a decade and a half ago.

The forecast is not all bleak, though. Fortunately, I left breadcrumbs to find my way back home to me. So this time around I have myself to inspire myself. I have a super successful journey into fitness and fabulosity to look back on. I know what works, and what doesn't. I know progress, its ups and downs and twists and turns. It's that experience that has made me the most resilient mofo I know!

I am 100 percent certain that I will be successful losing weight once again. I will do it slowly and surely, and like that turtle beating the hare, I will cross that finish line a winner.

I ain't getting any younger. It's now or never. It's go time!

By the way, I should mention that this time just like the last I am doing this without weight loss medications, without surgery, and without any money to pay trainers and coaches. Although I believe strongly that life is better when you have a coach, I cannot afford one right now so I will be my own. 

If resilience is in our nature, it is up to us to create the spark of change

Why is it so hard to start a new habit? All the intellectualizing in the world, the preparing of your physical environment, and everything else we do to set us up for success when we take on new objectives add up to a bunch of nothing until we are ready to take action. We must be more than fed up with the results of our current actions. What is it that ultimately motivates us to act? How can the intellectual recognition of our future self convert itself into action, especially when we draw so much satisfaction from inertia and status quo? 

We are all resilient, but but change remains a challenge

I have been trying to figure this out my entire life, and even though I've experienced enormous success from changing my mindset, I find myself in times of discouragement unable to act on my own best intentions. Do you ever feel this way? It's a real challenge to the human's nature which I believe is intrinsically fueled by a resilient spirit.

Tapping into that resilient spirit is the key. For some they achieve the change they desire through small incremental changes over time. And of course, this is necessary for all of us regardless of our own unique process. For me, though, it takes big changes in my environment to spark the change I see inside. 

We are all different. But never forget your natural inclination is resilience. So continue to seek your motivators while always remembering that you have the ability and all the wisdom you will ever need to guide your own life in the direction you will it to go.

Act now! Live to reap the rewards of your success or failure

Sometimes thinking about something and chewing over every detail during the planning process is essential to a project's chances of success. But don't forget, success can also be counted in degrees of failure and in a person's measure of bounced-backedness, a.k.a. resilience.

After all. "Action is the foundational key to all success," according to Picasso. And he was a genius of sorts apparently. 😛

When entering a dark portal of grief, cling to hope

Yesterday when I woke up, I was struck with a depression unlike any I have felt in years. It had no single culprit to blame. I was simply struck by a full on mélange of melancholy out of nowhere.

Cling to hope; there are brighter days to come

I felt older, sure. And I have been worried about my dad's health, more so lately since he had to postpone my birthday dinner to take care of himself. Plus, I have been contemplating a huge life change while at the same time addressing a plethora of my own unchecked health issues.

And of course, I am feeling now and will forever feel a constant tinge of sadness regarding the loss of my mom.

This is me at 40, hanging on to hope

In spite of all this, though, I couldn't pinpoint a single source to match the incredible sea of blah I found myself drowning in all day.

Last night, though, I got a good night's sleep, and I am happy to report that I'm back to my "normal" self, for lack of a better word. What a difference a day makes!

I guess it was a door I had to go through, to move on to whatever is coming next. They say it's always darkest before the dawn. Well, good. I made it through the portal and I'm back, once again ready to take on the world!

GenX meets GenZ in a cafe and it goes something like this

Can you even believe that I’m 53 years old today? I don't look as old as I am, though. I mean, look at my face. See? Not a day over 32. (See pic below and laugh.)

Sure, I’m bald and gray, and my crow’s feet have crow’s feet. But with this baby face I can pull 30's.

Not. Nope. Not even in fantasy land.

Don't worry. I'm not as delusional as all that. I look at least my age if not older. But anyway...

Had a scone, but came in for a muffin;

I went to a local café today for a birthday muffin, and it was quiet, so I thought I’d ask the person behind the counter a few questions. Here’s how it went. I’m the GenXer, so I’m pretty sure that’s what I said, obviously. The lines of the GenZeder, though, are fictionalized to protect all involved. 

GenXer: Hello, are you the manager?

GenZeder: No, just work here.

GenXer: But you’re over there and look like you’re managing things. I mean to me you’re doing all the merchandising and stuff, so you’re definitely essential here.

GenZeder: I’m doing the inventory and the inventory, well, it’s not adding up.

GenXer: Aren’t you supposed to say, “The inventory isn’t inventorying”?

GenZeder: Well, I was going to, but…

GenXer: So what you’re saying is that it’s not giving?

GenZeder: Slay

GenXer: Honey, always.

(Like I said, fictionalized for my enjoyment.)

My fit life today at 53 - after glance back, fully focused on the future

Mine is a complicated relationship with food, a relationship that leads me down a path toward self-destruction during particularly challenging eras of my life. Fortunately, at 53 I’ve been up, and I’ve been down many times before, so I’m no longer carrying the extra stress of not understanding my body or fearing that I’m incapable of making the kind of lifestyle changes necessary to get my nutrition, and ultimately my fat to muscle ratio, back in check.

I know nothing is permanent if I decide to stop accepting a status quo that is not to my liking. Earlier this year, as I detailed in a previous post, I decided to address my health to be able to attack the cancer of morbid obesity that has once again taken hold of me.

Enjoying a free 8-shot shaken espresso at Starbucks on my 53d b-day

My weight maxed out at 455 this time around, five pounds less than I weighed at my all-time high weight in my late 30s, the result of 9/11-related PTSD

I don’t know how I let this happen to me again after losing nearly 200 pounds by my 40^th birthday, back in August 2011. Reflecting on that now is not helpful. Setting goals and planning is. So that is what I am in the process of now. In fact, I’ve already lost 45 pounds, which is about 10 percent of my body weight since May of this year.

Now my goal is to achieve a much healthier weight, remaining mindful of my choices, day by day. I commit from this day forward to making choices filtered through my original decision to control my caloric intake and spur myself to exercise at least 10 minutes daily.

The goal this time is to get down to a weight somewhere between 245 and 285 by my 55^th birthday two years from now. It’s God’s whether I get there at all, but I am certainly going to strive toward my goal, so long as I have the functions working in my body to allow me to do so.

You may be thinking, “Hey, Brian, why would you want to stop at 245 if you are still considered obese, according to your height of 6 feet 1 inch, above 225. Well, I can only reply that I know myself, and because I’ve been down this road before, I know what happens along the way to my ultimate fitness goal.

I know that 285 is achievable, and it is a comfortable size for me. Any less than 245 pounds and I feel scrawny. So, I will focus on building muscle through resistance training, just as I did the last time I struggled with this monkey on my back, or should I say piggy in my gut? lol

Get a sleep study and treat your sleep apnea today!

If you think you may have sleep apnea, drop everything you are doing right now and schedule a sleep study for yourself. You will be glad you did. Your future self will thank you for giving them a much healthier existence and for increasing the probability that you will live a longer, happier life.

This is not an overstatement. In fact, I feel it would be appropriate to be even more hyperbolic about the benefits of treating your sleep apnea. Let me share my recent story to highlight the many immediate benefits you may experience when you take this important, proactive approach to managing your health.

Treating my complex sleep apnea with that ResMed AirCurve 11 ASV

I had been told for decades by anyone I shared a bed with that my snoring was out of control. One person even said they saw me stop breathing multiple times throughout the night. Even with several people sounding the alarm, my philosophy was always, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger”. In this instance, though, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Fast forward to 2016, when I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. My cardiologist said a sleep study was urgent, as my condition may be the result of or at least exacerbated due to chronic sleep apnea. I knew he was right, but I didn’t have insurance that would cover the entire procedure at the time, and the co-pay was beyond my current means.

Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back, I should have financed the sleep study, because instead I waited another 10 years before addressing my problem, and during that time my a-fib worsened, and my weight began to balloon.

Feeling guilty for my weight gain, I knew my mobility was lessened because of the a-fib but for some reason I blamed my lack of exercise on laziness. Then I began to shame eat any time I thought about the predicament I found myself in. My weight soon reached an all-time high.

By January of this year, my weight gain added insult to injury, and I was barely able to walk to do my everyday chores. In fact, I was unable to shower in my own bathroom because it was not built for someone my size. So, I began to wash myself the best I could without stepping in the shower. This made me feel even worse, because I never felt as clean as I would from standing in a shower.

The shame compounded when every week my ability to walk worsened. Plus, I was unable to work a regular job, so I began driving for Lyft to pay my bills. But existing in a constant state of sleep deprivation because of the unchecked apnea made working more than a few hours per day impossible.

Paying for the study

The loss in income turned out to be a blessing, as I was forced to apply for public assistance and found out that I qualified for Medicaid. My new health plan meant I would be able to methodically address my mounting health issues without breaking the bank. There was no longer any reason to avoid taking a more active approach to my health.

I scheduled a new patient appointment with a primary doctor in April, and he put me on medication for my a-fib that made an immediate positive impact on the way I felt. All year long, my arms and legs had felt they were coated in a blanket of lead. With the addition of this medication, I felt that blank lift overnight.

My doctor said my reaction to the medication was not physiological but rather I was experiencing a placebo effect, that the medication would not have that powerful of an effect on me. “What does he know,” I thought. Everything he knows about the med he learned from a book. I know through experience that the medication increased my energy level by at least 20 percent. I felt like a new man.

Of course, my mobility was still impeded by my weight, which at the time of my doctor’s visit was 455 pounds, but with my newfound confidence in the healthcare system, I booked my appointment for a sleep study and began to eat a more balanced diet, immediately cutting out fast food and candy.

A month later, I had lost about 30 pounds through my efforts. My sleep study revealed I had an extreme case of complex apnea, where I would stop breathing nearly 80 times per hour without support. So they fitted me with an assisted breathing machine, and on that very first time using my ResMed AirCloud 11 ASV I experienced an immediate change in my daytime energy levels.

The brain fog lifted

I also noticed the brain cloud I’d become accustomed to for years had lifted. Achieving REM sleep for the first time in probably many years, my brain was now processing my complicated throughout the night leaving me feeling refreshed and with increased mental clarity and acuity. From one day to the next I was able to work as many as 12 hours at a time.

That’s right, I went from having enough energy to work three hours at a time to 12 hours literally overnight! That is the incredible power of sleep therapy in a nutshell.

I still have a few issues to deal with. I have some arthritis in my hip and knees, which also contributes to limited and painful mobility. And I’m in the process of testing cardiovascular health to see if I am healthy enough for surgery to deal with my a-fib. Once these things are under control, I imagine I will feel even better than I already do.

Don't be afraid to change

Through lifestyle changes and watching what I eat, I have now lost a total of 45 pounds in less than two and a half months. Next for me is increasing my daytime activity, getting my steps up. Currently I average only 1,500 steps on my good days. My goal is to slowly work up to 5,000 steps. Then, I will work on getting back up to the recommended 10,000 steps per day.

I hope by sharing my story you might be encouraged to treat your own sleep apnea or perhaps encourage a family member or friend to get themselves the treatment they need and deserve. If so, please subscribe to my blog, follow me – “Brianopolis” on social media and YouTube – and leave a comment with your experience below.

Grief comes in waves; some are ripples and others tsunamis

The thing about grief, as many have described it, is that it comes in waves. Some waves are ripples. Others are tsunamis. It has been nearly a decade since the loss of my mother, and still I can rarely predict when grief will hit me or just what intensity of wave it will bring.

This morning It I was hit by a ripple that grew bigger as I reminisced in my mind of the beautiful spirit that is gone from this world and the complicated relationship we shared. Instead of suppressing them, I allowed myself to surf through my feelings, and I let the tears flow.

Remembering my mom during my birthday week

This is my birthday week, and this week nine years ago my mother went in for a new-fangled procedure that knocked her down. She had told me she was going in for a checkup to see if her lung cancer had returned. But she already knew that it was back.

She hid the fact that she was not really going in for a checkup but rather a new-fangled procedure to treat the cancer that had spread to her brain.

Instead of helping, the procedure robbed her of much of her cognitive ability, leaving her unable to control her bodily functions. In one fell swoop, she went to being the rock I could always rely on to becoming the dear soul who needed others to feed her, clean her, and provide her with round-the-clock care.

When I visited the hospital the day after her botched medical procedure, I brought cantaloup and watermelon to her bedside, per her request. She loved melons and had been craving them all summer. As I began to feed her, I choked back tears and suppressed the knot in my throat. I remembered when I was a child how she would cut me slices of cantaloup for my breakfast, skillfully peeling the rind to give me a chunk “with no green on it”.

On the day of my 44th birthday that week, she didn't remember it was my birthday until the nurse mentioned it to her. Immediately, in spite of her diminished condition, she asked for her wallet and dug in, finding and handing me a hundred-dollar bill. Somehow in all the chaos of her mind she was able to recall how I had told her what I wanted most for my birthday that year - an annual National Parks Pass.

The gesture meant the world to me, but even after buying the pass I found it difficult to use it. Mom held on from August through October, and every time I drove from Virginia to Pennsylvania to visit, I would drive through the mountains, passing Shenandoah National Park along the way. But I would never go in. I just couldn't enjoy myself outdoors while she was stuck in a hospital bed with nary a view from a distant window.

I would also pass along the way to see her farm stands replete with the colorful marigolds of the season. In brighter times, she and I would shop the farm stands together, and she'd buy several potted flowers to adorn the front of her home. We had done this every fall for as long as I could remember.

Although I never made it to the hiking trails of Shenandoah National Park during the entire time she was in the nursing home. She entered hospice and passed away on the most beautiful day of fall, 2015, and the next day I finally made my way back up into the mountains. I found the parks pass that had been shoved deep in my glove box, and I made my way to the trailhead and experienced a most sorrowful.

Along the way I became disoriented, and I slouched along the trailside to indulge myself in hardy cry. I had missed the turnoff to the summit, as it was not a popular destination and so had become overgrown. Just then, I saw a blue butterfly, and it made me smile. “Hi mom”, I said. Then it disappeared into the brush and I instinctively followed it. To my surprise, I found myself on the hidden trail, and within minutes I was treated to one of the most beautiful views I had ever seen. 

I know deep down that the butterfly wasn’t really her, but to this day whenever I see a blue butterfly it makes me think of my mom. I am reminded that her soul is free from the confines of her failing body, and she is at peace. And just as suddenly as the wave of grief crashed upon my subconsciousness, my raging thoughts are quelled and the placid crystal blue waters of my mind return.

Every "bad kid" needs a Madame Frank to remind them of their worth

Yesterday I met up with my high school French teacher and her husband for lunch. I hadn’t seen Madame Frank in more than 30 years, but we reconnected like no time had passed. Back when she knew me, I was involved in a constant emotional battle with myself and the world around me. Not much has changed in that regard. My entire life has been a struggle.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself when I think about my situation, wondering why stability and wealth have eluded me, wondering why I walk this earth alone instead of with a companion to share my experiences with. Our meeting reminded me that not only have I stayed true to myself over the years, but I have also come a long way from my days of being shoved against lockers or unfairly castigated by impatient and angry educators who were incapable or unwilling to “get me”.

Talking "silly French" with Madame Frank

When Madame Frank was teaching me French, she experienced the same disruptive behaviors I became infamous for throughout my adolescence. Talking incessantly during class, distracting my classmates during lectures, and challenging authority at every turn was my way of making sense of what I observed as a chaotic existence, of being a stranger in a world where I never felt I fit in, where I felt misunderstood and discounted because I didn’t act like everybody else.

Fortunately for me, in Madame Frank I found a teacher who was patient enough to manage my emotional dysregulation by giving me space and time to cool off rather than instantly sending me to the office for punishment. She would send me next door to another kind teacher’s classroom who was on her planning period. Without distractions, I was able to regain my composure and get on with my day.

Of course, it helped that I had a natural penchant for language learning and yearned to one day be bilingual. If I hadn’t been talented in that area, my behavior perhaps would have been dealt with more harshly. But she saw my raw talent and understood that often I distracted others because I was distracted by boredom.

Instead of plucking me up and discarding me like nearly all my other teachers in other subjects were prone to do, Madame Frank apparently decided she would nurture me, to help a wild weed transform into blooming flower of worth. And this was not because of who I was, but because of who she was a person. I was simply a fortunate beneficiary of the woman’s patience and kindness.

Since our meeting, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that instead of being the tragic figure I sometimes consider myself to be, I am in fact blessed beyond measure. My dream of becoming bilingual has come true several times over. I’ve travelled extensively throughout the Western Hemisphere, and I’ve racked up countless stories from my solo adventures, many of which have yet to be told.

Not only that, even though I’m on the verge of turning 53, she reminded me that my life of stories remains incomplete. I am a storyteller by nature, and there are many more stories left to experience as well as to be told in my future. She encouraged me to continue to live my wild and extravagant life of adventure, but also to take time to slow down and write out a few of the stories I’ve racked up along the way.

Many of the stories along my seemingly scattered and inconsistent timeline do in fact have shocking starts, meaty middles, and incredible endings that might entice a reader or two. These stories exist in technicolor in my mind’s eye, and the memories keep me company when I’m alone. Maybe my stories offer something to these potential readers, too. Perhaps it’s time for me to do what I am meant to do with my life and simply write.

If you have read to this point, you might be interested in some of these stories I'll be telling in the near future. If so, subscribe to my blog and follow “Brianopolis” on YouTube and social media.

There is little I don't like about being up before dawn

There are very few things about waking up before dawn that I don’t like. In fact, the only thing I can think of is that not enough businesses are open that early.

I mean, Starbucks opens at 5 a.m. and you can usually find a 24-hour Starbucks in your city if you’re lucky. And of course, convenience stores and McDonald’s. But eat there at your own peril, no matter the time of day. It’s just not worth it.

I do love that I can usually find a Denny’s or local diner is open before the sun rises. And I love that no one else is hogging the roads. I love that the colors of the rising sun fill me with hope for the day to come. And I love that in the silence of morning I can listen even to the whispers within my own heart.

There will come a time when my mornings expire. Until then, I will keep getting up in time to greet the sparrow tapping at my window. Take stock and give thanks for all I have, and pray for continued hope in a world intent on knocking it down.

Maintaining a healthy diet on the road is tough but not impossible

 What do you do when you're on the road and are trying to be healthy without having access to a kitchen to prepare healthy foods? You either pay an arm and a leg at restaurants to get the healthy options, since only to bad-for-you choices are actually affordable. Or you live off of convenience foods, downing protein drinks and eating the available healthy choices, like bananas, yogurt, and hard-boiled eggs. 

Lately I've had to rely on eating out for several meals per week. I've tried to do it in as healthy way as possible, but I'm longing to have my own home and kitchen again, so I can get back to the business of getting my health back on track.

My main objective when I eat out is to get as much access to a variety of vegetables, both raw and cooked, as possible. It's tough. I like diners, and sometimes they really overcharge for the healthier options, which aren't really that thought out to be "healthy" but rather have an air of healthiness. 

Still, I'm doing the best I can. I feel I'm making good choices, and in fact my body tells me when I am and when I'm not, so via self regulation I maintain a decent diet. I am sure I can make it through the next few weeks without absolutely going off the rails. 

Try this McDonald’s breakfast sandwich hack!

Let me begin by saying that you should avoid fast food altogether. Avoid it like the plague! But in a pinch, you may find yourself pulling into the McDonald’s drive thru around breakfast time, ready to order your favorite biscuit or McGriddles sandwich. If so, then consider this McDonald’s breakfast sandwich hack to get a filling, protein-packed sandwich without so much fat and a million calories.

Remove the cheese and request no butter for a healthier McDonald's breakfast

What I do is order the regular McMuffin sandwich, which has the lowest calories at the outset. But then I customize the sandwich to remove the cheese. I also request that no butter be used on the bread. This cuts more than 100 calories, and a ton of the calories derived from fat. See, the round egg that is served on the McMuffin is an actual egg, cracked that morning, and cooked via a fat-phobic poached method. This means there are not strange ingredients or fillers like the scrambled eggs have. And by the way, you can replace the scrambled egg on any breakfast option with a slight upcharge. But the English muffin is still a better option, with fewer calories and less sugar and fat than the biscuit or McGriddles options.

With this life hack, you might just save your diet while on the road

Removing the cheese from your McDonald’s breakfast sandwich is a good idea, too, for many reasons. First, it’s barely able to be called cheese; it is actually some strange food product probably made of plastic or some undigestible gunk (allegedly). So not only will you feel better about what you’re eating (and not eating), but you will also be less likely to suffer from an upset stomach within minutes of consumption. So that’s it! Not a complicated hack for sure, but a very simple one. No cheese. No extra butter. Oh, and if you can afford extra calories, just double up on the Canadian bacon or add some regular bacon or another egg for more calories from protein rather than fat.

After years of declining health, sleep therapy provides hope

This has been a difficult year for all of us. I am no exception. Besides struggling financially due to rising costs of pretty much everything, I have been dealing with taking care of several health issues that had been going unchecked, leaving me very, very sick for the first time in my life. I was so fatigued, my bones and muscles were constantly causing me pain, and I couldn’t seem to get better no matter what I tried. It turns out I had a severe case of complex sleep apnea, and I had had it for years. Leaving my sleep apnea untreated was literally killing me, slowly but surely.

My dog was happy I was sleeping so much, but I was not

By the grace of God I have been surrounded by a loving church community over the past two years, and when I got sick many people from the church offered all types of support to me. Their compassion gave me the ability to seek out the medical treatment I so desperately needed. I was able to get on an excellent health insurance plan. And I started getting treatment for all that was ailing me, which as it turns out was more than just sleep apnea.

The sleep apnea had exacerbated and probably caused atrial fibrillation, which is a disorder of the heart which, left untreated, most inevitably leads to stroke and other severe issues. I was able to get on a medication to help me avoid such a fate, and immediately I could tell the difference in how I felt. I got on a blood thinner and believe it or not it felt like a weighted blanked had been lifted off me. Once I got that physical aspect taken care of it was time for the sleep study.

My sleep study was done in two parts and at two different locations, both within the UPMC hospital system. I had a split study done first. This is where you get hooked up to a bunch of wires and sleep in your normal state. After four hours they observed that I stopped breathing nearly 80 times per hour. Not only that, but of the four levels of sleep – the fourth being the all important REM sleep – I did not get beyond a superficial sleep. In other words, my brain was not getting any rest and was not able to process any of my thoughts overnight, which is essential for mental clarity and health.

After the first four hours, they began to try a CPAP machine at varying levels of intensity to see what I could tolerate. It turns out my case was a bit more complicated and required a second study. Then, for the second study, they tried a BiPAP ASV machine. This machine adjusts the intensity of the air pressure to match my specific, moment-by-moment needs. This proved almost miraculous. That night I slept like a baby for more than six hours without interruption and reached REM sleep multiple times.

Treating my sleep apnea with my ResMed AirCurve 11 ASV

After the study, the doctor prescribed me the top-of-the-line ResMed AirCurve 11 ASV. After having had such a great night sleep, the next few days I was on a high from the amazing night’s rest I got. Unfortunately, though, I had to wait nearly a month to get the machine through my insurance company, and by then I was back to my former groggy, exhausted, and mentally confused state. But then the day came for me to pick up the machine, and since that very first night my life has been completely changed.

I have loads of energy. I work currently as a Lyft driver, and while before I could only manage a two-hour shift before becoming too sleepy to drive, I can now driver for 12 hours at a time and not loose mental clarity and focus for that entire time. I have so much more energy now. And I finally have enough clarity to get control of other areas of my life, which had gotten out of control.

The result of all this is that I am back on my healthy eating plan and am getting more exercise in the form of stretching and walking. Soon I plan to rejoin the gym. From my top weight I hit during my illness of 455, I have lost about 40 pounds. I am hoping to lose another 20 by the end of August to finally be back under 400 lbs.